It's a sad truth but people, even close family and friends, sometimes struggle to know what to say to a newly bereaved person.
This can be hugely painful to those who have lost their loved ones especially if they notice people purposefully avoiding the topic or worse still avoiding contact altogether. Not only is it painful but it puts us in a very uncomfortable position where we tend to act in a very polarised manner, either we feel we need to make things right for others which can lead to us glossing over our own pain or we react with anger and lash out. So what should we do and how can we make this an easier situation to navigate?
1) Prioritise your own feelings
This is not the time to be adding to your own discomfort by worrying too much about what other people think so find time to acknowledge that you and your own feelings come first and should do for the considerable future. Your feelings may change from hour to hour and that is absolutely normal and will also change as you progress through the stages of the grieving process. Simply give yourself permission to feel exactly how you feel in any given moment without reproach or censor.
2) Understand that some people may have no experience of grief
If someone has no prior experience of grief or being around a bereaved person it is understandable that they may find it awkward and struggle to find words. Often in this situation people fall back on clichés they have heard on film or television, this doesn't mean they're not being genuine but it can grate on oversensitive nerves. One way I found around this was to take control of the conversation. If I felt comfortable taking about my grief I would speak about it in the manner I wanted to and if not I would simply say I that I didn't feel like talking about it at that particular moment and change the subject or politely excuse myself.
If you find people avoiding you (I had people cross the road to avoid me) then you have three options: 1) ignore it and this is fine if it doesn't continue to bother or distress you. 2) shout a friendly hello and initiate an amiable conversation. I found that people were often relieved that I had opened dialogue. 3) Send a message to them later saying that you seen them earlier in the day and look forward to chatting next time.
3) Culture and religion will have a huge influence on how people react to you and your particular circumstances.
Different cultures have different perspectives on death, some celebrate the passing of love ones into the spiritual realm but many western societies shy away from the realities of death. As care for the elderly is more often than not outsourced to agencies our exposure to death is reduced. Combine this with the busy lives we lead and it leaves little time or willingness to face up to our own mortality. So it's not surprising that when we are faced with a friend or relative who has been bereaved we look to our own spiritual or religious beliefs for inspiration on how to offer comfort. If invariably comes from a great place, however, it isn't always helpful to offer prayers to someone that has no religious beliefs. Sometimes even someone that had a strong religious faith, up until the death of a loved one, can become angry that their god has been cruel and 'snatched away' their person. Worse still, if suicide or in my case infant death has occurred, people can carelessly express the unsolicited views of their religion which can be extremely painful and even damaging to the person grieving.
Death quite naturally will make us reassess and redefine our beliefs and that is exactly as it should be. Be clear and firm with what you are willing to discuss and when confronted with people that are insensitive to alternate points of view, verbalise your own religious stance then decline to engage with them any further and simply walk away. Always do what feels natural and if you find yourself drawn to angles or prayer, even if you have no spiritual beliefs, then go with it. If not, find other ways to give comfort. Candles were something that gave me warmth and provided comfort in darker hours. I would have a few places in the house that would be constantly lit and for me it helped.
In conclusion, put your own emotions first. Be clear with your boundaries and if they are crossed politely challenge the behaviour or re-state your boundaries and continue with your day. Your priority is you. Remember that your feelings and emotions and even beliefs will fluctuate and even change overtime and it is perfectly normal.
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