There is nothing more testing to a relationship than that of a child's death. When the world, as we know it, falls apart, how can we maintain a healthy relationship? Here are my top tips:
1) Educate yourself and become familiar with different expressions of grief
Everyone grieves differently. Becoming familiar with the symptoms and expressions of grief, will help you to recognise and understand your partner's behaviour, for example: You may find that talking through grief helps but your partner doesn't. Both ways are fine and will more than likely fluctuate as the months go by. Give each other space to grieve in any way that feels natural to you as individuals without blame.
2) Find ways to comfort each other
Expressing love and warmth to each other during the grieving process can bring a huge amount of comfort and reassurance. It doesn't necessarily have to be through making love as energy is likely to be low but holding space for one another to be intimate through touch can maintain and even strengthen your bond. Try creating a space maybe a bedroom or a cosy sofa, set aside some time where there will be no interruptions and light some candles. Sometimes silence and touch go far further than words ever can.
3) Try not to judge
When we are sad and vulnerable, it is easy to distort the truth and see only negative patterns of behaviour. Remember your own grief can cloud your judgement. To you it may seem they're unaffected and able to function normally while you perhaps are taking a break from work. This doesn't mean they are not grieving and probably indicates they are trying to support you by keeping the finances in order. Try to look at their behaviour as though you are a friend or colleague thus taking the emotional response away. Do you still view their behaviour in the same way? What would your advice be to them from this different perspective? This simple technique can help us to be less judgmental.
4) Involve each other in decision making
So many decisions and such high emotion can be a source of conflict. It is hard to compromise when all the decisions seem critical and very personal. Remember you brought
this life into the world together. Yes, one of you is likely to have done more of the childcare than the other but it doesn't mean that their ideas are less valuable. It's probably useful to remember that their employment gave you the opportunity to be closer to your child and they missed out on that opportunity. Giving them some choices would acknowledge that sacrifice which is quite probably a source of regret for them.
5) Have something to look forward to.
It may seem pointless planning a break or holiday when you feel so low but believe me it will be needed, and you both will feel better for it. A change of atmosphere and surroundings can renew your energy and bring you closer together.